This month marks the anniversary of life altering events for me.
- Lost a dear friend ( to a sudden heart attack) 11-21-09
9 days later I lost my dad, sudden heart attack, he was only 67 11-30-09
39 days after that: I was shocked to the core by an unexpected corporate reorganization that took my 20 year career (which I LOVED). This event also put 100 members of my “work family” out of their jobs too…
I found my workaholic self unemployed, no “Daddo” to help guide me or even offer a hug to tell me that I would find a new identity and be OK. I am the strong middle sister of 3 girls. The one that was able to take charge, as my Dad knew I would, and be there for my rockstar independent Mom.
With all my heart working to keep up my role as a wife and mother. My rockstar 14yr old daughter needing me more now than ever as she embarks on her freshman year in high school. My husband trying to understand about losing the career thing—but he is a clock in/out dude, not a live/breathe guy. He is not-so-secretly happy that I am 'home' now. I used to travel a lot but when you grow up moving every 2-3 years you get an"itch" that is difficult to explain to someone that has had the same zip code their entire life. Traveling allowed me to give my family roots and now I have this "trapped/caged" anxiety.
I have never been a crier – actually my sisters had to MAKE me allow my baby girl to cry when she was little because I instinctively had her “Blow it Away” because we are tough—(oops, parental error #239) J (No worries, she is an excellent crier now...) All of a sudden I'm guessing my 42 years of tears started coming—GROSS, I had NO IDEA HOW to handle these emotions. I’ve always been the BOSS applesauce… Was I now going to be evaluated on my ability to load the dishwasher? Which on a scale of 1 to 5, I already know I rate a -4.2. How do I know? I can hear my loving husband rearranging the dishes before he starts it. (for better or worse) LOL
The facts that are clear: I am wired to WORK. Cooking and Cleaning (not so much). I am a passionate care taker and always give more than I take. I work very hard to make the people in my life know that they are special and that they are loved. I also know that you MUST find your own happiness BEFORE you can share it with others. I am the only one that is responsible for my own happiness, it is time to get busy!
As I reflect, I realize that I needed to heal after the losses, which I believe I have a great start. I am now able to envision new opportunities and new journeys. It is difficult to choose which of my 15 (hundred) dreams to follow… What to be, now that I actually AM a grown-up? I mean- who gets the opportunity to START ALL over at age 42? That is CRAZY COOL!
